“Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.” – Confucius
Well, I’m blowing it! I feel crappy, I’m disappointed in myself, and there are signs everywhere reminding me that I’m failing at my goals (for a complete list of my current goals see my “Goals” page). My face is covered in blackheads because I’m not drinking enough water, not washing my face at night, and still smoking cigarettes. I’m not even eating well, even though my house is filled with vegetables and pre-made healthy meals! AND I’m behind on the blog posts. It sucks and I’m really bummed about it.
When I have been starting to get a bit caught up or have something positive happen and start to feel good then inevitably there is more negativity or backsliding and I spiral out of control. Good news: my December goals have become second nature. I have broken the habit of constantly checking e-mail, news, Facebook, rss reader, etc. I can’t say for sure that these things have influenced my attitude, but I definitely think they are making a difference. Bad news: my February goals are very quickly becoming March goals. Some of them I have not even attempted (like practicing the alarm), and I haven’t done any of them for more than 1 or 2 days in a row.
My January goals are all at least 50% habit now. Keeping up with all the CSA vegetables has turned out to be really challenging and, at times, stressful. Remembering to take my frozen OAMM meals out of the freezer has, for some reason, become incredibly difficult. Then when I forget my meals, and fail to make my vegetables, instead of finding a healthy alternative – I totally splurge. As I sit at my desk right now, the food I bought for lunch in front of me is: Caesar’s salad, macaroni and cheese, a zucchini/squash side dish, diet coke, and chips. WAAAYYY too much food for lunch (granted, I skipped breakfast and was starving) and nothing is really healthy besides the squash (and even that is probably over-cooked in oil). Terrible habits.
However, there have been some exciting changes in my life this last week. Most importantly, my husband and I have adopted a dog! We’re animal people and have tried to find a suitable dog for our little family for a while now. When my coworker’s grandfather passed away and left behind a 6-year-old Bulldog, we were quick to agree to adopt her. She is a pleasure. She’s well-trained, sweet, mellow and the perfect size for us in our small house.
I do feel a little like Katie over at Momentum Gathering, who got a puppy for Christmas and then shortly afterwards decided to put away the novel she’d been working on because she had too much going on in her life. However, so far, the new doggie has been nothing but a joy. In fact, I’ve gotten much better about getting out of bed in the morning now that I have to do a new cat-and-dog-breakfast-routine. Maybe I won’t need to practice the alarm at all! On the other hand, the new addition will definitely affect more than just our morning routine and some of the plans/goals I have may need to be revised to reflect these changes.
Meanwhile, I have family drama going on. For some reason, on one side of my family, being the responsible one somehow makes you a problem. All the dysfunctional, unemployed, drug-addict, alcoholic, moochers in the family get rewarded with free cars, houses, and money. It’s always “poor them.” Meanwhile, I work my butt off and do all I can to help with my dad and then if I have something to complain about, they just brush it off. “Oh you’re always angry, you’re never happy.” Those are the kinds of responses I get.
One of my uncles, who hasn’t worked in 20+ years even though he’s only in his 50’s, had the nerve to ask if I was going to quit my job to take care of my dad. And how would I freaking survive then?? I don’t have the luxury of being supported by my mother! You already don’t work – why don’t you offer to come take care of your brother?!? His wife burst into my house unannounced and called me a fucking whore for no reason a couple of months ago. Now she has been invited to come back down and stay for free on the same property as my house where I pay rent! “We don’t want to see her, either,” they say. Well then why did you invite her? And why doesn’t she stay with you instead of right next to me?!? Yes, I have resentment. I have yet to receive any kind of apology and even then, I don’t think I’m ready to forgive her yet.
What I really need is some kind of fresh start. I used to be able to make these plans for changing my life when I was a teenager and it would create a HUGE amount of inspiration for me. Even if I had discovered something like The Happiness Project or The 7 Habits, I could really get inspired and feel good about change. I just don’t have that drive anymore. I will feel excited for a few minutes, or a few hours, and by the end of the day it is gone. How can I get that back again?
Next week my father will start chemotherapy. The week after that I am taking a solo-stay-cation off of work. I will not be going anywhere and my husband won’t be off work. It will just be me (and the new dog) at home getting stuff done (how convenient that my crazy aunt will be so close to me during this time!). I know at least one of those days will be lazy, and there may be some medical appointments I need to go to with my dad, but I am hoping to create some kind of mini-retreat day for myself in there, too. Perhaps I can get myself feeling good and really reaffirm WHY I want to make these changes in my life.