Going Downhill

“Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.” – Confucius

Well, I’m blowing it! I feel crappy, I’m disappointed in myself, and there are signs everywhere reminding me that I’m failing at my goals (for a complete list of my current goals see my “Goals” page). My face is covered in blackheads because I’m not drinking enough water, not washing my face at night, and still smoking cigarettes. I’m not even eating well, even though my house is filled with vegetables and pre-made healthy meals! AND I’m behind on the blog posts. It sucks and I’m really bummed about it.

When I have been starting to get a bit caught up or have something positive happen and start to feel good then inevitably there is more negativity or backsliding and I spiral out of control. Good news: my December goals have become second nature. I have broken the habit of constantly checking e-mail, news, Facebook, rss reader, etc. I can’t say for sure that these things have influenced my attitude, but I definitely think they are making a difference. Bad news: my February goals are very quickly becoming March goals. Some of them I have not even attempted (like practicing the alarm), and I haven’t done any of them for more than 1 or 2 days in a row.

My January goals are all at least 50% habit now. Keeping up with all the CSA vegetables has turned out to be really challenging and, at times, stressful. Remembering to take my frozen OAMM meals out of the freezer has, for some reason, become incredibly difficult. Then when I forget my meals, and fail to make my vegetables, instead of finding a healthy alternative – I totally splurge. As I sit at my desk right now, the food I bought for lunch in front of me is: Caesar’s salad, macaroni and cheese, a zucchini/squash side dish, diet coke, and chips. WAAAYYY too much food for lunch (granted, I skipped breakfast and was starving) and nothing is really healthy besides the squash (and even that is probably over-cooked in oil). Terrible habits.

However, there have been some exciting changes in my life this last week. Most importantly, my husband and I have adopted a dog! We’re animal people and have tried to find a suitable dog for our little family for a while now. When my coworker’s grandfather passed away and left behind a 6-year-old Bulldog, we were quick to agree to adopt her. She is a pleasure. She’s well-trained, sweet, mellow and the perfect size for us in our small house.

I do feel a little like Katie over at Momentum Gathering, who got a puppy for Christmas and then shortly afterwards decided to put away the novel she’d been working on because she had too much going on in her life. However, so far, the new doggie has been nothing but a joy. In fact, I’ve gotten much better about getting out of bed in the morning now that I have to do a new cat-and-dog-breakfast-routine. Maybe I won’t need to practice the alarm at all! On the other hand, the new addition will definitely affect more than just our morning routine and some of the plans/goals I have may need to be revised to reflect these changes.

Meanwhile, I have family drama going on. For some reason, on one side of my family, being the responsible one somehow makes you a problem. All the dysfunctional, unemployed, drug-addict, alcoholic, moochers in the family get rewarded with free cars, houses, and money. It’s always “poor them.” Meanwhile, I work my butt off and do all I can to help with my dad and then if I have something to complain about, they just brush it off. “Oh you’re always angry, you’re never happy.” Those are the kinds of responses I get.

One of my uncles, who hasn’t worked in 20+ years even though he’s only in his 50’s, had the nerve to ask if I was going to quit my job to take care of my dad. And how would I freaking survive then?? I don’t have the luxury of being supported by my mother! You already don’t work – why don’t you offer to come take care of your brother?!? His wife burst into my house unannounced and called me a fucking whore for no reason a couple of months ago. Now she has been invited to come back down and stay for free on the same property as my house where I pay rent! “We don’t want to see her, either,” they say. Well then why did you invite her? And why doesn’t she stay with you instead of right next to me?!? Yes, I have resentment. I have yet to receive any kind of apology and even then, I don’t think I’m ready to forgive her yet.

What I really need is some kind of fresh start. I used to be able to make these plans for changing my life when I was a teenager and it would create a HUGE amount of inspiration for me. Even if I had discovered something like The Happiness Project or The 7 Habits, I could really get inspired and feel good about change. I just don’t have that drive anymore. I will feel excited for a few minutes, or a few hours, and by the end of the day it is gone. How can I get that back again?

Next week my father will start chemotherapy. The week after that I am taking a solo-stay-cation off of work. I will not be going anywhere and my husband won’t be off work. It will just be me (and the new dog) at home getting stuff done (how convenient that my crazy aunt will be so close to me during this time!). I know at least one of those days will be lazy, and there may be some medical appointments I need to go to with my dad, but I am hoping to create some kind of mini-retreat day for myself in there, too. Perhaps I can get myself feeling good and really reaffirm WHY I want to make these changes in my life.

Getting Started

“Indolence is a delightful but distressing state: we must be doing something to be happy.” — William Hazlitt

So, what inspired me to start this blog about improving my life? Well, a lot of things. Day to day life had/has become overwhelming for me. I can’t seem to cross an item off my to-do list without adding another. My job is uninspiring and often requires hours of pretending I am working. My father is terminally ill and much of the responsibility for his care falls on me. Over the last 6 months, I have set several goals to lose weight, quit smoking, get my life in order, etc. and I have not managed to follow through on any of them for more than a couple of days. With all of these things weighing down on me at once, I fell into depression.

 

I started using my mindless work hours to do some online research about happiness, setting goals, changing your life, etc. I already have a large library of resources at home (see my Reading List for some examples), but my lack of time and limited motivation were preventing me from pursuing them. I had never spent much time in the blog-o-sphere before and started finding some great stuff. They inspired me to set the first two of my current goals (for a more complete list of my current goals, visit my Goals page) in December: Positivity and Simplicity.

It came to my attention that a large amount of the reading and listening I was doing each day was making me angry. My web browser homepage was full of news. My Facebook news real was full of news. My car radio was set to news. All of that news was just giving me reasons to be pissed off. Regardless of one’s political perspective, the news is never going to be 100% in your favor. There is always going to be someone to disagree with or demonize.

There are some social and political issues that I am very passionate about. There was a time in the recent past where I felt an obligation to pursue those things. I reasoned that because so few people concern themselves with activist causes, that my passion for them should not be ignored. On the other hand, there was the argument that I should put my own well-being before outside causes. Did I really want to spend the rest of my life fighting and arguing and observing fault with the world? No. But the biggest question was whether or not it was too selfish of me to put my own individual need for happiness over the fundamental rights of others. Could I really turn my back on starving children just to feel more content in my own life?

Sadly, the answer is yes. My justification is that I need to help myself before I can help anyone else. It does not mean that I will never help people or that I will turn my back on the causes I care about. It just means that, at this point in my life, it is important that I focus on myself first. Helping other people does make me happy and bring me satisfaction. It just cannot be my #1 priority right now.

So, for my goal of Positivity, I decided to cut back on my news consumption. My homepage still has a few news sources on it (after all, it would not be good to be completely disconnected from the world, either), but I have moved them to the bottom and I check them no more than once per day. I added an rss reader to the top of my homepage with all the new positive blogs I’ve been reading (such as those on my Blogroll). I also have stopped listening to the radio in my car. Instead, I have been alternating between audio books (preferably positive ones) and music.

For my goal of Simplicity, I followed similar techniques. When I have a slow day at work, I sometimes check my e-mail and Facebook dozens of times in one day. In order to prioritize my time and feel less scattered, I decided to place limits on these. I am limiting Facebook to once per day. I went through my friends list and eliminated any people that I wouldn’t say hi to if I saw them at the grocery store. I also went through all of my “Likes” and un-liked the items that I didn’t need or want to read updates from. This has streamlined my news feed. I have also set a limit of check my e-mail and rss reader only twice per day. These limits have cut down on distractions and time-wasters.

Finally, I decided that it was important to limit the number of goals I am starting at once. As I explained in my “Welcome” post, I often attempt to change my whole life at once. That can be really overwhelming and is only setting me up for failure. So, for December, I stuck with 2 goals of Positivity and Simplicity. In January, I have three goals: Drink more water & tea, start eating healthy seasonal food at home, and start this blog! I think my success rate will be much higher this way.