Taking Action

“If you want to make an easy job seem mighty hard,

just keep putting off doing it.” – Olin Miller

The past few days I’ve been thinking a lot about the wake-up call I asked for. The end of my work-week at my soul sucking job was absolute hell. I am more convinced than ever that I need to get out of there ASAP and if I am going to stay more than another month then some things need to change.

I’m torn because I don’t feel like it is safe or rational at this point to take the plunge. On the other hand, I keep seeing messages that say “Take the Leap” all around me. I feel apprehensive about both options. Which one is really the best choice?

I attended a webinar this week facilitated by Jonathan Mead of Illuminated Mind. It was about creating your own freedom and getting paid to be who you are. I discovered it as part of my job research project that I’ve been working on.

It was actually quite inspiring, despite the obvious intent to sell his product. I’m not sure it would be ethical of me to share very much about it here, considering he puts it on for free and I’m sure would prefer that you watch it yourself. I will say that the most important and inspiring message I walked away with was to stop just collecting ideas, and start taking action.

While I did not sign up for his program, it is something I might consider at some point. In the meantime I have a lot of other free tools that I haven’t used yet, such as the “Passion + Profit” guide that Jonathan gives away on Illuminated Mind. I have that guide at the top of my list right now and may even have time to get started later today.

I have also unlocked a new habit in Habit Judo despite my poor results in the “Choose Happiness” category. I’ve come to the conclusion that choosing happiness is difficult to measure and act on because it is lacking concreteness. It’s a great concept and I think it can work under different circumstances, but it’s too vague to focus on. However, I don’t plan to remove it from my list of habits.

I’m going to set a somewhat large goal for my new habit and that is to spend at least two hours per day on my big project. The big project includes this blog, the job-change research, and TAKING ACTION to move towards a more meaningful source of income. I am sick of constantly planning what I will do instead of getting things done. Planning is important, but it is no substitute for action.

One action I need to take is planning a budget. I need to look at what my monthly expenses are and create a savings plan. I just had to pay (a lot of) taxes for the first time ever due to my employer’s unwillingness to make me an employee (I’ve been an independent contractor now for 15 months.).

One reason for doing this is that I haven’t set rewards in Habit Judo yet. I am coming up on a reward soon and have realized that the only things I deprive myself of are really big ticket items. I can afford to splurge on coffee or dinner or books for the most part, and often do, but they should really be treats.

My long-term goal for my finances is to be able to save up enough to live off of for one year. If I can do that, I will feel safe quitting my job even if I haven’t secured reliable income yet. I will go into this in more detail once I start getting the job-search related posts up. The project is growing so rapidly, I might have to start a separate blog for it. I have a feeling this will have to involve disclosing my identity . . .

I wanted to  make one other quick comment. I previously recommended CX.com on the “Reading List” but I have run into some troubles with it. For those of you who are interested in what I chose instead, I am now using Windows Live Mesh to utilize the sync folder feature that is part of SkyDrive. So far, it is working seamlessly.

Wake Up Call

Where does the time go? Days are passing like hours lately. I’m trying to stay positive and choose happiness, but it’s been a challenge. How does one overhaul their life when everything around them stays the same?

I wake up daily in the same bed, in the same claustrophobic, cluttered cabin that I have lived in for the past seven years. It is never fully clean and impossible to keep free of disorder (less than 500 sq. ft. + 2 animals + 2 people = always messy). I take the same car on the same road to the same building for work. I come back home, always overwhelmed by the number of unaccomplished tasks glaring at me.

I have no space. My mind is as cluttered as my surroundings. It seems like so much sometimes! There is so much I want to do. I am trying to regroup in order to focus, but I haven’t seemed to have any more success at achieving my goals with this method. I just keep thinking of more and more goals and things I wish I could do or change.

I wish I could “just do it.” Do it all. I just want to be perfect. Is that really too much to ask? I know, I know. If it was easy it wouldn’t be worth it.

I just feel like I need to reset. My environment is so constant, it seems impossible to change my habits. My husband and I had planned on moving from California to Colorado in October last year. The week before we were going to give our 30 day notices to our jobs, my father went to the emergency room and ended up spending a full month in the hospital due to multiple brain tumors. He was eventually diagnosed with stage IV prostate cancer that had spread to his lungs and brain.

Needless to say, we decided not to move. I feel blessed to be able to be here for my father during this time. However, I was so looking forward to the extreme change.

I have good ideas on a daily basis. I have felt consistently inspired for months now. Yet I’m still stuck in a rut. I can’t stretch out. My brain is hard-wired for all my bad habits. I still feel like I’m always looking outside myself for happiness – coffee, cigarettes, food, consume, consume. I actually believe that these things will make me feel better in my weak moments.

I have done fairly well on my new goals since I last wrote (for a complete list of my current goals, see the “Goals” page). I have been planning daily. I haven’t always accomplished everything on my list for the day, but I’ve been more focused and productive than usual.

I’ve remembered to record my habits about 50% of the time. I might have to create a paper version at some point to make it more accessible. Choosing happiness, as I said, is not going very well. Much of the time I just can’t focus on it – even though I’ve surrounded myself with reminders. It seems like a chore, it’s not exciting (even though it should be), and when I’m already grumpy it’s too hard to pull myself out of it.

Advice? I know there aren’t too many of you reading this out there yet . . . but if you stumble across it – please share your ideas. I read so many positive articles and blogs. I have an insanely large library of books on topics like meditation, cognitive behavioral therapy, recovery, yoga, self-help, writing, and spirituality (for a list of some of my favorites, see the “Reading List”). I feel like I have all the tools within my reach. I just can’t get myself there. I can’t take it to the next level. I’m all talk, no walk.

How does that change happen? I want to be in charge of my own life – my thoughts, my actions, my feelings. Somebody slap me in the face! Wake me up! Please!

Revise and Regroup

Happy Friday to everyone! It has been another long week for me – but look, I’m making time now, aren’t I? So it can’t have been so bad.

I have done my best to reflect on the themes I mentioned in Monday’s post and have come up with a somewhat unfinished, very simple plan. This is not to say that I am going to give up all the goals I was currently working on. That is certainly not the case. However, I am only going to focus on three very simple goals, on a daily basis (at least for now):

1. Planning (utilize Franklin-Covey planner throughout day, coordinate paper planning with work-related Outlook planning)
2. Choose Happiness (most recently inspired by this post on The Change Blog)
3. Record Habits (using Habit Judo)

I am starting the above 3 goals TODAY. Expect to see revisions to the “Goals” page, as well as some new additions to the “Reading List” very soon.

The purpose of this change is to simplify and start with the basics. Of course I am going to continue on my journey of quitting wake-up caffeine, quitting smoking, eating healthy (although I do not think we will renew our CSA membership as it was just too much food for us to handle on top of the OAMM cooking), and blogging. I certainly will not just be giving up on those goals which I am making progress in. I just want to eliminate some of the pressure, and minimalize the flurry of thoughts in my head on a daily basis.

“Such as are thy habitual thoughts, such also will be the character of thy soul – for the soul is dyed by thy thoughts.” – Marcus Aurelius Antoninus

In the meantime, there are some loose ends I would like to close up in this post – items I’ve been meaning to mention, discuss, and follow up on. I apologize for the scattered effect that will have – but I promise to be more organized and concise from now on.

First of all, I wanted to mention some of the new strategies I have employed for keeping my goals and mission statement in the forefront of my thoughts. I have added a “sticky note” to my homepage with my mission statement and current goals/daily tasks (the 3 mentioned above ONLY). I have also added a 3×5 bookmark (I prefer a version that Levenger makes, which has a little slit at the top of the 3×5 card so that you can attach it to another piece of paper like a bookmark) to my planner that I move from day to day which has my current goals/daily tasks on the front, and my mission statement on the back. Now that I am keeping my planner open at my desk at work and on my counter at home, and considering I have my homepage open at work almost all day long, this keeps my simple goals and purpose in my thoughts all day long and because I have kept them so minimal, they aren’t too much to overwhelm me.

In addition, I never really summarized my progress during my week off. There isn’t a whole lot to report. I did a lot of relaxing, some of which was mindless. I also got a good amount of tasks accomplished, such as organizing my bathroom shelves, some of which had been on my list for months. I did not make a lot of goal progress that week – but I did do more self-care than usual and was getting in a great groove of waking up early, before the time changed.

One of the resources I utilized during that time, was the free version of the Lefkoe method. I had clicked through a link on Steve Pavlina’s site and, while my first impression was that it appeared a little cheesy, I actually did glean some value from it. I chose to eliminate the belief “I’m not good enough.” It’s hard for me to tell if it has been fully successful or not (I think mostly because of my skepticism in general), but it was an insightful and liberating process. I would recommend trying it.

Lastly, as I mentioned last week, I have undergone a major research project with regards to my pursuit of meaningful income. At some point, there will be a long, extensive post on the subject – or possible a free e-book! However, due to the incredibly large number of wonderful resources I have found, it might be a while before I feel organized enough to gather it into one place. For now, you will notice my occasional adding of new sites to the blogroll and “Reading List” that you can check out on your own, if interested.

Have a great weekend everyone! I plan to tackle my taxes . . .

I am Awesome!

“Our visions begin with our desires.” – Audre Lorde

Yes, I am awesome! I have been rockin’ my goals this week! (For a closer look at February and March’s goals, look here. For a complete list of all my current goals, look here.) Today, thank you very much, is SEVEN DAYS without cigarettes!! WOO HOO!! If that was the only thing I accomplished this week, I would be proud. Nicotine is a powerful drug. At my husband’s suggestion, I have ordered myself a $30 reward (an out of print children’s book I’ve been wanting in my library). In the last week I have eaten more chocolate and smoked more marijuana than I have in a long time. That oral fixation really takes a toll on me. Hand to mouth, hand to mouth. Must consume, consume, consume . . . This is something that I’ve often contemplated – this need from without. Why am I not content from within? What makes me constantly search for things outside of myself to bring me happiness?

I have noticed that many of my addictions revolve around making me feel better about wasting time. Cigarettes and procrastination go hand-in-hand: I’ll do that chore, as soon as I have a cigarette. I’ll start that task, just let me have a cigarette first. Marijuana (which I admit that I am addicted to) makes me feel better about wasting time. If I feel lazy and happy (and so does my husband) then what is wrong with doing nothing? Sometimes even things like alcohol (which I rarely drink) or cocaine (which has often been a temptation for me in the past) are really just distractions from the fact that I could be doing something more valuable with my time. Like Conor Oberst sings in the song below, “What was normal in the evening, by the morning seems insane.”

*

Why is it that if I sit down and list things that make me happy – activities that I wish I had time for – then when I do have free time it isn’t those activities I choose? Is that habit? Addiction? Unworthiness? Misinterpretation? Anxiety? I find that I am always preoccupied with time and how long things are going to take. Yesterday on my day off I wanted to walk the dog, do the laundry, finish a work assignment, and play a new video game. I spent a couple of hours in the morning on the video game and the whole time I kept checking the clock, calculating how long the other chores were going to take. It’s my day week off!! Why can’t I relax?? These are the kinds of thoughts I’ve been having; quitting smoking forces me to take a closer look at my motivations.

But wait, there’s more! I have also done awesome on the self-care routines this week. I have completed a full skin care routine at least once every day, and twice on all the days I wore makeup. My blackheads are quickly disappearing. I have brushed my teeth twice per day more often than not, and at least once every day even if I didn’t leave the house. I think I only flossed and rinsed once, but that’s still far above and beyond normal. The crazy part is – I love it. I so enjoy my skin feeling soft and my teeth feeling clean. It seems to me that a huge percentage of whatever is preventing me from these new habits – is mental. It’s all in my head.

There are some things I was not so successful at this week – but notice that I did not choose to focus on them first. I am proud of my accomplishments, and know that there is still work to be done. The planning time every day has not come into place yet. The research I did on habit trackers was interesting, but I have not yet found something that I feel is perfect for me . . . so that’s still in the works. I did not officially practice getting up to the alarm, but I’m improving in this area (see below). I have not been drinking much water during my time off so far, but I have quit wake-up caffeine! I have not had coffee within 3 hours of waking up all week long. The past 3 or 4 days I haven’t had any coffee beverages at all (just diet cola and occasional tea)!

As far as the alarm goes, this morning my husband and I did not set an alarm at all and woke up at 6 am anyway. However, the problem is that we still stayed in bed until 7, just as we would have if we had been hitting snooze. That’s what I really wanted to practice for – to get right out of bed . . . Granted things have not gone as planned. My husband was sick all weekend and stayed home Monday, so I didn’t do things exactly as I’d intended originally (meaning, I did not practice on Monday and Tuesday). I still have time to practice this week and it’s a great start that I’m already waking up naturally at 6am, I just need to work on actually getting up!

Overall, my December goals are pretty cemented in now. January has one goal that still needs a little work: drinking water. (In fact, I’m thinking of upping my blog posts to twice per week considering my progress takes up a whole post and I want to also be able to have other posts as well.) February/March are well on their way with just a little more tweaking needed in the flossing and getting out of bed departments. That is all, as I said before, AWESOME!!! I am incredibly proud to be able to report in with positive results for the first time in over a month.

“I can’t go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.”

– Alice in Wonderland

* Note: I would like to say that I am not some huge Bright Eyes fan who only posts their songs : ). I have a HUGE taste in music, which you will see at some point. I love old school funk and soul, underground hip-hop, and most rock varieties (lately there’s an emphasis on indie). My favorite two bands are probably Modest Mouse and Neutral Milk Hotel which, yes, I know are somewhat similar to Bright Eyes . . . but my most listened to track in iTunes is Arrested Development’s “People Everyday” and my cell phone ringtone is “Get Up Offa That Thing” by James Brown. Just to give you an idea. Anyway, the reason Bright Eyes has come up twice already is because I listened to one of their albums last month for the first time in years and really enjoyed it, so it’s in the queue right now, but later it will be other things. Just so you know.

Going Downhill

“Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.” – Confucius

Well, I’m blowing it! I feel crappy, I’m disappointed in myself, and there are signs everywhere reminding me that I’m failing at my goals (for a complete list of my current goals see my “Goals” page). My face is covered in blackheads because I’m not drinking enough water, not washing my face at night, and still smoking cigarettes. I’m not even eating well, even though my house is filled with vegetables and pre-made healthy meals! AND I’m behind on the blog posts. It sucks and I’m really bummed about it.

When I have been starting to get a bit caught up or have something positive happen and start to feel good then inevitably there is more negativity or backsliding and I spiral out of control. Good news: my December goals have become second nature. I have broken the habit of constantly checking e-mail, news, Facebook, rss reader, etc. I can’t say for sure that these things have influenced my attitude, but I definitely think they are making a difference. Bad news: my February goals are very quickly becoming March goals. Some of them I have not even attempted (like practicing the alarm), and I haven’t done any of them for more than 1 or 2 days in a row.

My January goals are all at least 50% habit now. Keeping up with all the CSA vegetables has turned out to be really challenging and, at times, stressful. Remembering to take my frozen OAMM meals out of the freezer has, for some reason, become incredibly difficult. Then when I forget my meals, and fail to make my vegetables, instead of finding a healthy alternative – I totally splurge. As I sit at my desk right now, the food I bought for lunch in front of me is: Caesar’s salad, macaroni and cheese, a zucchini/squash side dish, diet coke, and chips. WAAAYYY too much food for lunch (granted, I skipped breakfast and was starving) and nothing is really healthy besides the squash (and even that is probably over-cooked in oil). Terrible habits.

However, there have been some exciting changes in my life this last week. Most importantly, my husband and I have adopted a dog! We’re animal people and have tried to find a suitable dog for our little family for a while now. When my coworker’s grandfather passed away and left behind a 6-year-old Bulldog, we were quick to agree to adopt her. She is a pleasure. She’s well-trained, sweet, mellow and the perfect size for us in our small house.

I do feel a little like Katie over at Momentum Gathering, who got a puppy for Christmas and then shortly afterwards decided to put away the novel she’d been working on because she had too much going on in her life. However, so far, the new doggie has been nothing but a joy. In fact, I’ve gotten much better about getting out of bed in the morning now that I have to do a new cat-and-dog-breakfast-routine. Maybe I won’t need to practice the alarm at all! On the other hand, the new addition will definitely affect more than just our morning routine and some of the plans/goals I have may need to be revised to reflect these changes.

Meanwhile, I have family drama going on. For some reason, on one side of my family, being the responsible one somehow makes you a problem. All the dysfunctional, unemployed, drug-addict, alcoholic, moochers in the family get rewarded with free cars, houses, and money. It’s always “poor them.” Meanwhile, I work my butt off and do all I can to help with my dad and then if I have something to complain about, they just brush it off. “Oh you’re always angry, you’re never happy.” Those are the kinds of responses I get.

One of my uncles, who hasn’t worked in 20+ years even though he’s only in his 50’s, had the nerve to ask if I was going to quit my job to take care of my dad. And how would I freaking survive then?? I don’t have the luxury of being supported by my mother! You already don’t work – why don’t you offer to come take care of your brother?!? His wife burst into my house unannounced and called me a fucking whore for no reason a couple of months ago. Now she has been invited to come back down and stay for free on the same property as my house where I pay rent! “We don’t want to see her, either,” they say. Well then why did you invite her? And why doesn’t she stay with you instead of right next to me?!? Yes, I have resentment. I have yet to receive any kind of apology and even then, I don’t think I’m ready to forgive her yet.

What I really need is some kind of fresh start. I used to be able to make these plans for changing my life when I was a teenager and it would create a HUGE amount of inspiration for me. Even if I had discovered something like The Happiness Project or The 7 Habits, I could really get inspired and feel good about change. I just don’t have that drive anymore. I will feel excited for a few minutes, or a few hours, and by the end of the day it is gone. How can I get that back again?

Next week my father will start chemotherapy. The week after that I am taking a solo-stay-cation off of work. I will not be going anywhere and my husband won’t be off work. It will just be me (and the new dog) at home getting stuff done (how convenient that my crazy aunt will be so close to me during this time!). I know at least one of those days will be lazy, and there may be some medical appointments I need to go to with my dad, but I am hoping to create some kind of mini-retreat day for myself in there, too. Perhaps I can get myself feeling good and really reaffirm WHY I want to make these changes in my life.

Road Blocks

I need a motivation boost. I have not made my February goals a priority at all (for a complete list of my current and upcoming goals, see my “Goals” page) and if I don’t do something soon – it will become commonplace for me to ignore them. I have all these thoughts floating around in my head (particularly when I’m laying in bed at night) about all of my  roadblocks to goal accomplishment. There are so many factors to consider in all areas of my life – but a huge issue for me is HABIT.

Regardless of whether they are good or bad, my life is made up of a series of  habits. I think that my environment is conducive to continuing my habitual behaviors, but I don’t have the luxury of changing much about my environment at this point. I do have my husband working on a project to somewhat enclose our deck in order to give me a home workspace that is less distracting. We live in a very small place, a “cabin” we call it, with no privacy or silence or empty space to spread out in. This is a hindrance to my productivity and inspiration.

There are a lot of habits I want to break, as well as a large number of habits that I would like to instill in my every day life. Why is this such a challenge? Well, if you read my last post on guilt & giving, you may have read the linked article about why it is so hard for us to change. Professors Kegan and Lahey say to look at your underlying anxieties about the changes you want to make. “They ask us: What would happen if we stopped the behavior that gets in the way of achieving the goals we’ve set for ourselves?” That’s a pretty heavy question when you try to answer it.

So, the issue isn’t necessarily motivation at all – it might be fear (the ladies at Chronically Distracted touched on the topic of fear this week as well). Is fear holding me back? Well I’m sure it is to some extent, but just how much? Let’s look at the goals I’m struggling with and see what underlying anxieties I might have about them:

What would happen if I stopped drinking so many caffeinated beverages (like soda and coffee) and started drinking more water and tea?

• My skin would look better! (I’ve been getting blackheads like crazy lately and my lips are always super chapped.)
• I would have to pee more often (this can sometimes be an inconvenience).
• I would feel better, wake up earlier, and be healthier and less dehydrated.

Hmm . . . those things don’t seem bad. Is there something I’m missing?

What would happen if I started practicing getting up to an alarm (and eventually was able to get up immediately upon the alarm going off)?

• I would have more productive hours in the day – including morning time to write or meditate.
• I might feel more rested.
• I would not feel guilty for hitting snooze over and over.
• I would get to work earlier, and get to go home earlier.
• I know what one of my issues is here – my husband. First, he isn’t interested in the idea of practicing with me. That means that I would have to practice in the morning after he leaves for work or some other time when he is not home making noises that are not present when the alarm goes off (and not around to poke fun at me). Second, our snoozing cuddle times have become commonplace. For probably over a year, we’ve gotten in the habit of hitting the snooze button for a full hour while wishing for more sleep and cuddling. I hate the wasted time involved in snoozing, but I enjoy the bonding cuddle time with my husband. It is also much harder for me to get out of bed when he is still in the bed. Most often, he gets up before me and that helps motivate me to arise as well.

Ah ha! So there is some fear involved in that one.

What would happen if I practiced my night-time self-care routine regularly?

• My skin would look better!
• My teeth would be healthier!
• I would be proud of myself!
• It would take time out of my evenings or further postpone my bedtime. I have tried the trick where I do this routine after dinner instead of right before bed – and I do think this is a good solution – but it’s hard when I have a lot of things I want to get done that night, or when I am feeling tired and lazy from a hard day.
• It sometimes makes a mess and/or gets my pajamas wet, in turn creating more laundry.

Again, there is some fear there.

And the biggest, most obvious one: What would happen if I quit smoking cigarettes?

• Well, I’ve been through this before – and there is A LOT. If you see the post linked above on my reasons for wanting to quit, you will read many of the positives that would come from quitting (including saving money, not stinking, breathing easier, etc.)
• Cigarettes are like my little friends. They are false and fickle, but they are always there for me when I need them. In my mind, I think they can help with any problem.
• Many times when I have quit before I have gotten incredibly emotional to the point of having major breakdowns for no reason with no notice. This has caused me problems at previous jobs. My husband is also acutely aware of how it affects my mood and is quick to blame quitting smoking any time I get upset (sort of like the PMS effect).
• It’s such a good procrastination tool. When I don’t want to do the next thing on my list, I can smoke first. If I still don’t want to do it, I can smoke again. If I’m in an awkward social situation or don’t know what to do with myself, I can have a smoke. If I want a break or need to get away, I can say I need to go smoke. If I’ve been drinking or doing drugs and I need something to do with myself that doesn’t involve any coordination – I can have a smoke. If I’m bored, I can have a smoke. When I am being lazy and spacing out playing The Sims instead of getting things done, I can feel like I’m doing more than staring at a screen by chain smoking at the same time.

There is A LOT of fear here, as is to be expected. I’m sure I could go on and on, but I think you get the point.

Imagine that. It turns out that all three of my February goals have some fear behind them. Maybe this knowledge will assist me in moving forward. I still think I need a motivation boost or some kind of fresh start feeling to get me back in the groove . . . but this is a start. What fears are holding you back?