Wake Up Call

Where does the time go? Days are passing like hours lately. I’m trying to stay positive and choose happiness, but it’s been a challenge. How does one overhaul their life when everything around them stays the same?

I wake up daily in the same bed, in the same claustrophobic, cluttered cabin that I have lived in for the past seven years. It is never fully clean and impossible to keep free of disorder (less than 500 sq. ft. + 2 animals + 2 people = always messy). I take the same car on the same road to the same building for work. I come back home, always overwhelmed by the number of unaccomplished tasks glaring at me.

I have no space. My mind is as cluttered as my surroundings. It seems like so much sometimes! There is so much I want to do. I am trying to regroup in order to focus, but I haven’t seemed to have any more success at achieving my goals with this method. I just keep thinking of more and more goals and things I wish I could do or change.

I wish I could “just do it.” Do it all. I just want to be perfect. Is that really too much to ask? I know, I know. If it was easy it wouldn’t be worth it.

I just feel like I need to reset. My environment is so constant, it seems impossible to change my habits. My husband and I had planned on moving from California to Colorado in October last year. The week before we were going to give our 30 day notices to our jobs, my father went to the emergency room and ended up spending a full month in the hospital due to multiple brain tumors. He was eventually diagnosed with stage IV prostate cancer that had spread to his lungs and brain.

Needless to say, we decided not to move. I feel blessed to be able to be here for my father during this time. However, I was so looking forward to the extreme change.

I have good ideas on a daily basis. I have felt consistently inspired for months now. Yet I’m still stuck in a rut. I can’t stretch out. My brain is hard-wired for all my bad habits. I still feel like I’m always looking outside myself for happiness – coffee, cigarettes, food, consume, consume. I actually believe that these things will make me feel better in my weak moments.

I have done fairly well on my new goals since I last wrote (for a complete list of my current goals, see the “Goals” page). I have been planning daily. I haven’t always accomplished everything on my list for the day, but I’ve been more focused and productive than usual.

I’ve remembered to record my habits about 50% of the time. I might have to create a paper version at some point to make it more accessible. Choosing happiness, as I said, is not going very well. Much of the time I just can’t focus on it – even though I’ve surrounded myself with reminders. It seems like a chore, it’s not exciting (even though it should be), and when I’m already grumpy it’s too hard to pull myself out of it.

Advice? I know there aren’t too many of you reading this out there yet . . . but if you stumble across it – please share your ideas. I read so many positive articles and blogs. I have an insanely large library of books on topics like meditation, cognitive behavioral therapy, recovery, yoga, self-help, writing, and spirituality (for a list of some of my favorites, see the “Reading List”). I feel like I have all the tools within my reach. I just can’t get myself there. I can’t take it to the next level. I’m all talk, no walk.

How does that change happen? I want to be in charge of my own life – my thoughts, my actions, my feelings. Somebody slap me in the face! Wake me up! Please!

Going Downhill

“Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.” – Confucius

Well, I’m blowing it! I feel crappy, I’m disappointed in myself, and there are signs everywhere reminding me that I’m failing at my goals (for a complete list of my current goals see my “Goals” page). My face is covered in blackheads because I’m not drinking enough water, not washing my face at night, and still smoking cigarettes. I’m not even eating well, even though my house is filled with vegetables and pre-made healthy meals! AND I’m behind on the blog posts. It sucks and I’m really bummed about it.

When I have been starting to get a bit caught up or have something positive happen and start to feel good then inevitably there is more negativity or backsliding and I spiral out of control. Good news: my December goals have become second nature. I have broken the habit of constantly checking e-mail, news, Facebook, rss reader, etc. I can’t say for sure that these things have influenced my attitude, but I definitely think they are making a difference. Bad news: my February goals are very quickly becoming March goals. Some of them I have not even attempted (like practicing the alarm), and I haven’t done any of them for more than 1 or 2 days in a row.

My January goals are all at least 50% habit now. Keeping up with all the CSA vegetables has turned out to be really challenging and, at times, stressful. Remembering to take my frozen OAMM meals out of the freezer has, for some reason, become incredibly difficult. Then when I forget my meals, and fail to make my vegetables, instead of finding a healthy alternative – I totally splurge. As I sit at my desk right now, the food I bought for lunch in front of me is: Caesar’s salad, macaroni and cheese, a zucchini/squash side dish, diet coke, and chips. WAAAYYY too much food for lunch (granted, I skipped breakfast and was starving) and nothing is really healthy besides the squash (and even that is probably over-cooked in oil). Terrible habits.

However, there have been some exciting changes in my life this last week. Most importantly, my husband and I have adopted a dog! We’re animal people and have tried to find a suitable dog for our little family for a while now. When my coworker’s grandfather passed away and left behind a 6-year-old Bulldog, we were quick to agree to adopt her. She is a pleasure. She’s well-trained, sweet, mellow and the perfect size for us in our small house.

I do feel a little like Katie over at Momentum Gathering, who got a puppy for Christmas and then shortly afterwards decided to put away the novel she’d been working on because she had too much going on in her life. However, so far, the new doggie has been nothing but a joy. In fact, I’ve gotten much better about getting out of bed in the morning now that I have to do a new cat-and-dog-breakfast-routine. Maybe I won’t need to practice the alarm at all! On the other hand, the new addition will definitely affect more than just our morning routine and some of the plans/goals I have may need to be revised to reflect these changes.

Meanwhile, I have family drama going on. For some reason, on one side of my family, being the responsible one somehow makes you a problem. All the dysfunctional, unemployed, drug-addict, alcoholic, moochers in the family get rewarded with free cars, houses, and money. It’s always “poor them.” Meanwhile, I work my butt off and do all I can to help with my dad and then if I have something to complain about, they just brush it off. “Oh you’re always angry, you’re never happy.” Those are the kinds of responses I get.

One of my uncles, who hasn’t worked in 20+ years even though he’s only in his 50’s, had the nerve to ask if I was going to quit my job to take care of my dad. And how would I freaking survive then?? I don’t have the luxury of being supported by my mother! You already don’t work – why don’t you offer to come take care of your brother?!? His wife burst into my house unannounced and called me a fucking whore for no reason a couple of months ago. Now she has been invited to come back down and stay for free on the same property as my house where I pay rent! “We don’t want to see her, either,” they say. Well then why did you invite her? And why doesn’t she stay with you instead of right next to me?!? Yes, I have resentment. I have yet to receive any kind of apology and even then, I don’t think I’m ready to forgive her yet.

What I really need is some kind of fresh start. I used to be able to make these plans for changing my life when I was a teenager and it would create a HUGE amount of inspiration for me. Even if I had discovered something like The Happiness Project or The 7 Habits, I could really get inspired and feel good about change. I just don’t have that drive anymore. I will feel excited for a few minutes, or a few hours, and by the end of the day it is gone. How can I get that back again?

Next week my father will start chemotherapy. The week after that I am taking a solo-stay-cation off of work. I will not be going anywhere and my husband won’t be off work. It will just be me (and the new dog) at home getting stuff done (how convenient that my crazy aunt will be so close to me during this time!). I know at least one of those days will be lazy, and there may be some medical appointments I need to go to with my dad, but I am hoping to create some kind of mini-retreat day for myself in there, too. Perhaps I can get myself feeling good and really reaffirm WHY I want to make these changes in my life.

The Smoking Gun

“When I dare to be powerful, to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid.” – Audre Lorde

Well, the day has arrived to quit smoking again. I have quit dozens of time in my life, the most recent time being the most successful. I can’t say that I’m real excited about quitting again. In fact, if it wasn’t for this blog, I would probably have already made an excuse to put it off and gone out to buy cigarettes.

The saddest part is that I already successfully quit for over 2 years – less than 3 years ago – and blew it. I got cocky, I forgot my tools, and I was lured back in to the dark side. I brought my husband along with me. We’ve been smoking again for almost a year. What started out as just one, and then just one pack, and then just one night, and then just one more, has evolved back into all of the things I hated about being a smoker. Here is a list of the many things I can come up with just off the top of my head:

• I stink/the house stinks/my car stinks.
• I’m ashamed/feel guilty.
• It’s expensive.
• I can’t breathe.
• It’s dirty/makes my car dirty/makes my house dirty.
• It turns things yellow – my teeth, my fingernails, my walls.
• I hate feeling like I NEED something outside of myself. I want to be free of my additions.
• It helps me procrastinate (I’ll do that after I have one more cigarette).
• It’s a form of self-pity (I’m worthless anyway, who cares if these things are killing me).
• It’s unhealthy!
• It isolates me (I go smoke instead of socializing).
• It creates false friendships (people who wouldn’t be your friend if your addiction didn’t make them feel better about their own).

My biggest fears with quitting are that I will gain a lot of weight (last time I quit I gained 30 pounds!) and/or that I will be really emotional (a couple of times that I have quit, it induced several emotional breakdowns). In a sense, quitting smoking is an act of mourning for me. I mourn the loss of my security blanket, my accepting companion, and my rebel image.

For my last successful quit, I made regular use of a group called Voices of Nicotine Recovery. It is an online Nicotine Anonymous group that holds voice meetings. I am a busy person and a shy person. For those reasons, an online group appealed to me. Regardless, there is only one face to face meeting per week in my town, whereas VONR has several meetings a day online. The group was of incredible help to me at that time and I highly recommend it for anyone who is looking for support while quitting nicotine.

This time around, I do not think I will use the group. I feel somewhat guilty for not giving back to the group more after they helped me quit last time. I also think the novelty will have worn off considering it won’t all be new for me and that might be less inspiring. I think I have the tools to be able to do it without the support.

I am going to use nicotine-replacement. There is no way that I can quit cold turkey – especially considering the mood swings and emotional rollercoasters I experience while withdrawing from nicotine. Last time I used the full on patch program from step 1 to 3 for all the suggested lengths of time. This time I’m going to be a little more relaxed about it. I am going to start with step 2, do it for a couple of weeks, move on to step 3 for a couple of weeks, and be done with it. I know all the statistics say that following the program is more successful, but I’m just going to try and cut some corners since I think I have the tools and motivation to be successful.

I want to share some quotes and tips that I found to be particularly useful to me when I quit last, as well as things I find useful this time around. I will try to do this as I go along. For now, I will start with the 5 D’s. The 5 D’s are five tools that use can use when you want a cigarette:

1. Distract – Take your mind somewhere else. Find a chore to do. Eat a healthy snack.
2. Delay – You can do anything for 5 minutes. Just wait. I have found that 90% of the time, if I wait 5 minutes when craving a cigarette, the craving will go away. In the moment of the craving I’ll think I just can’t live without one. Once I let the moment pass, I regain my self-control.
3. Discuss – Talk about it. Tell a friend. Go to a meeting. Find a forum. Write in a journal.
4. Drink Water – As is mentioned in my “Water, Water Everywhere” post, water is great for quitting smoking. It also can replace the hand-to-mouth oral fixation that often accompanies cigarette addiction.
5. Deep Breaths – Deep breathing is great for stress relief. It can help calm you down when you’re in a frenzy. Breathing can also help you with “Distract” and “Delay.”

February Goals

Today I start 3 new goals (see my complete list of goals on my “Goals” page):

1. Quit Smoking Cigarettes (again): I smoked my last cigarette this morning. I have patches ready to go. I have started to review my notes and am getting ready to write a post about them. I still want a cigarette – this is not going to be easy.
2. Start practicing getting up to an alarm: I am not really feeling too motivated today. This is what happens. I get amped up about the idea of these goals, and then when the day comes to put them into action, I get lazy. Being accountable to the blog is a helpful motivation. I will try to practice at least once this afternoon.
3. Self-care: Start my night-time teeth and skin routine. I feel good about this now, we’ll see when it comes time to put this plan into action.

Very soon there will be two additional goals on top of the above three. In the next day or so, I am going to run out of coffee. When that happens, I am going to quit drinking it every morning. This is part of my January Drinking Water & Tea goal. In addition, once I practice getting up to the alarm at 6am for a few days, I am going to start actually getting up to the alarm at 6am for 30 days and start Sharon Salzberg’s 28-day Real Happiness meditation program.

This may seem like a lot to take on all at once, and you’re right. Part of my January goal of “Simplicity” is to limit the number of goals I start at once. This may be an excuse, but I just feel like all of these goals are so interconnected. I think the meditation, drinking water/quitting coffee, and the self-care will be helpful while quitting smoking, but I need the time in the morning from the waking up goal in order to pursue the meditation goal.

We will see as time goes on if I need to re-evaluate. I could consider putting off the meditation goal or the self-care goal for a while if I find that I need to cut back. If I can make this happen cohesively, then I would like to.

Eating Healthy

One of my goals for January (too see a complete list of my current goals, visit my “Goals” page) is to eat healthy, seasonal  foods at home. Many people have different ideas about what exactly eating healthy is. There is low-calorie, all-natural, local, organic, seasonal, low-fat, low-sodium, and sugar-free, just to name a few. How do you know which plan is right for you?

 

For me, this is a values-based decision. There are a plethora of resources on the problems with our current food industry in the United States. We consume mass amounts of over-processed food that is virtually void of anything of value. The treatment of animals in mass-production factories is deplorable. The amount of chemicals and pesticides in our food is out of control, not to mention genetic engineering. There are a lot of problems to consider.

A few big corporations control most of the name brand food labels in this country. This is bad for many reasons. Because of the large number of sources on this topic, I will just name a few. It hurts local farms and farmers, it increases pollution due to the transportation of goods, and it decreases the nutritional value of fresh produce by increasing the time between picking and eating. These large corporations also use harmful hormones and chemicals, utilize genetic engineering, harm the environment with their practices, and are not known for treating their employees particularly well.

While losing weight and keeping my calories low is important, I believe it is even more valuable to eat real food. I find that when I buy items that are low-fat or low-calorie they are full of chemicals and ingredients I can’t pronounce. I think that eating healthy fruits and vegetables and foods with real whole ingredients is far more beneficial to your health than just counting calories. It seems to me that maintaining a healthy weight would not be a challenge if I ate more healthy foods like fresh produce.

Another factor to consider, is eating seasonal foods. One of my biggest nutritional inspirations is Dr. Elson Haas. While I have never come anywhere near to following one of his plans, his ideas and concepts have been of huge value to me as I try to create a plan of my own. Something that he really emphasizes is eating foods that are in season and from local sources. Our bodies are naturally meant to process foods indigenous to our area at any given time of year. The sooner you eat produce after it is picked, the more nutritional value it retains. When something is shipped across the country, or even farther, to get to your refrigerator – it retains less vitamins and minerals and is likely preserved in some way (not to mention the impact that transportation of these goods has on the environment).

Because I think it is important to support small local farms as well as eat seasonally and naturally, I sought out a plan that would encourage these things. A crucial factor for me, and many others, is time. When I started my search, I was planning on joining a gym and further limiting my time available to shop, cook, and clean. I wanted something that I could prep on the weekends and have ready to eat during the week.

Completely by accident, I stumbled across a website called Once a Month Mom. I was exploring around on Pinterest, which I had just discovered, and I found a lot of stuff about freezer cooking and started clicking some links. Once a Month Mom is such a great resource for me. They have 6 different menu plans each month and you prep and cook all the food on one day (or for me, more like one weekend), and then you freeze it all in individual servings and have food for the month! They do the grocery list, the recipe cards, the labels, and everything on the site for you. It is seasonally based and there is a diet version, a whole foods version, a vegetarian version, and a gluten/dairy free version. The recipe cards are formatted to allow you to change the number of servings for the number of people in your household. It’s an excellent resource. I’m hooked!

My husband and I tried the January diet plan for this month. I was even really good and got as many of the groceries as possible from the farmer’s market and a locally owned natural foods store. It only cost us $300 for all of it! Normally, my husband alone probably spends this much on his lunches in one month, so it’s really going to save us money. We did invest in a vacuum sealer as well because  our freezer isn’t very high-quality, so that cost a little bit more. I think it will pay off in the long run, though.

The prep was a lot of work and really tedious, but the cooking wasn’t too bad. There were a couple of problems with the grocery list, but nothing too major. It took us 2 days to get it all done, but that’s still great considering all the time I will save not having to shop, cook, and clean every night! So far, everything we’ve tried has been good. There are some recipes that aren’t our favorites, but we’re being open minded about trying new things. Next month we might try playing around with the plan before we do it, instead of following it exactly.

Part of our reasoning for altering the plan is that we’ve also signed up for a CSA (community supported agriculture)  box from a local farm (Route 1 Farms). For those of you that are unfamiliar with this concept, it is a program where you pick up a box once a week full of produce from a local farm. We signed up for the individual size, and it has been more produce than we know what to do with! It works out to $15 a week and we signed up for 16 weeks. We’ve been making pesto and soup like crazy, just trying to use the veggies before they go bad. I’ve even been blanching and freezing some to try and incorporate into February’s Once a Month plan.

The CSA has added a lot of cooking and cleaning back into my routine, but I think it is worth it. To support a local farm, to have fresh seasonal produce on hard at all times, and to try new things are all great benefits for my husband and I. I already feel like my pants have gotten looser since the beginning of January, and it’s all been very convenient. I never have to go to the grocery store. I have breakfast ready in the morning. I am able to bring my lunch to work. I can come home to a meal already prepared at night. Plus, the plan allows for off days in case you want to go out to dinner or have a party to attend. It’s even easier than stopping for take-out (and much cheaper)!

Getting Started

“Indolence is a delightful but distressing state: we must be doing something to be happy.” — William Hazlitt

So, what inspired me to start this blog about improving my life? Well, a lot of things. Day to day life had/has become overwhelming for me. I can’t seem to cross an item off my to-do list without adding another. My job is uninspiring and often requires hours of pretending I am working. My father is terminally ill and much of the responsibility for his care falls on me. Over the last 6 months, I have set several goals to lose weight, quit smoking, get my life in order, etc. and I have not managed to follow through on any of them for more than a couple of days. With all of these things weighing down on me at once, I fell into depression.

 

I started using my mindless work hours to do some online research about happiness, setting goals, changing your life, etc. I already have a large library of resources at home (see my Reading List for some examples), but my lack of time and limited motivation were preventing me from pursuing them. I had never spent much time in the blog-o-sphere before and started finding some great stuff. They inspired me to set the first two of my current goals (for a more complete list of my current goals, visit my Goals page) in December: Positivity and Simplicity.

It came to my attention that a large amount of the reading and listening I was doing each day was making me angry. My web browser homepage was full of news. My Facebook news real was full of news. My car radio was set to news. All of that news was just giving me reasons to be pissed off. Regardless of one’s political perspective, the news is never going to be 100% in your favor. There is always going to be someone to disagree with or demonize.

There are some social and political issues that I am very passionate about. There was a time in the recent past where I felt an obligation to pursue those things. I reasoned that because so few people concern themselves with activist causes, that my passion for them should not be ignored. On the other hand, there was the argument that I should put my own well-being before outside causes. Did I really want to spend the rest of my life fighting and arguing and observing fault with the world? No. But the biggest question was whether or not it was too selfish of me to put my own individual need for happiness over the fundamental rights of others. Could I really turn my back on starving children just to feel more content in my own life?

Sadly, the answer is yes. My justification is that I need to help myself before I can help anyone else. It does not mean that I will never help people or that I will turn my back on the causes I care about. It just means that, at this point in my life, it is important that I focus on myself first. Helping other people does make me happy and bring me satisfaction. It just cannot be my #1 priority right now.

So, for my goal of Positivity, I decided to cut back on my news consumption. My homepage still has a few news sources on it (after all, it would not be good to be completely disconnected from the world, either), but I have moved them to the bottom and I check them no more than once per day. I added an rss reader to the top of my homepage with all the new positive blogs I’ve been reading (such as those on my Blogroll). I also have stopped listening to the radio in my car. Instead, I have been alternating between audio books (preferably positive ones) and music.

For my goal of Simplicity, I followed similar techniques. When I have a slow day at work, I sometimes check my e-mail and Facebook dozens of times in one day. In order to prioritize my time and feel less scattered, I decided to place limits on these. I am limiting Facebook to once per day. I went through my friends list and eliminated any people that I wouldn’t say hi to if I saw them at the grocery store. I also went through all of my “Likes” and un-liked the items that I didn’t need or want to read updates from. This has streamlined my news feed. I have also set a limit of check my e-mail and rss reader only twice per day. These limits have cut down on distractions and time-wasters.

Finally, I decided that it was important to limit the number of goals I am starting at once. As I explained in my “Welcome” post, I often attempt to change my whole life at once. That can be really overwhelming and is only setting me up for failure. So, for December, I stuck with 2 goals of Positivity and Simplicity. In January, I have three goals: Drink more water & tea, start eating healthy seasonal food at home, and start this blog! I think my success rate will be much higher this way.

Water, Water Everywhere

Bob: So, you see any land around here?
Sean: Nope, just water.
- SLC Punk, 1998

Water is an amazing and powerful thing. It influences nature, is a source of argument and debate, can be beautiful or destructive, is commonly associated with a variety of spiritual belief systems, is an element, can influence laws, is necessary for life, is too-often wasted and taken for granted, makes up most of our bodies, and makes up most of the earth.

One of my goals for January (to see a list of my current goals, visit the “Goals” page) is to drink more water & tea. The benefits of drinking water are endless. To name a few:

• It’s Good for Your Skin – prevents wrinkles and dark circles, among other benefits.
• It Assists with Health and Weight Loss – helps curb appetite and flushes toxins.
• It Prevents Dehydration (obviously!) – for me, the symptom of dehydration that bothers me the most are my chapped lips. I can’t wait to be rid of them!
• It Helps with Quitting Smoking – this is another previously failed, plan to try again in February, goals of mine. Drink Water is one of the Five D’s, it can help prevent weight gain while quitting, and it helps to flush the nicotine out of your system.

Tea has additional benefits, depending on which variety you choose. I am a big fan of Yogi Teas, myself. Particularly, some of the detox and green varieties. Tea is a zero-calorie, sugar-free, low-caffeine (depending on what you drink, coffee can have over 4 times as much caffeine than tea has) beverage. There have been many studies on the benefits of green tea, such as that it can increase your metabolic rate and can assist in weight loss.

Currently, I drink coffee in the morning, tea occasionally at work, and diet soda the rest of the time. I am a big soda addict and have only switched to diet within the last year. I know that diet is just as bad, if not worse for you than regular – but I am not ready to completely quit yet. I am willing to cut down and maybe soon I will no longer crave it.

My first step is that I have purchased an electric one-cup hot water dispenser for my office at work. Going out to heat up water in another part of the building several times a day was not realistic for me. I have also purchased a Brita filtered water bottle because the closest water source to my office is a bathroom sink. I will also try to be better about keeping my stainless-steel water bottle full in the car, and the Brita pitcher full in the fridge at home.

My official goal is to get up to at least 4 or 5 glasses of water or tea per day, to start. I’m pretty confident I can get there, but it’s still a big jump from the 0-2 that I usually drink now. The hardest part will be drinking water at home. I live very close to a convenience store that I habitually visit far too often. Deliciously unhealthy carbonated beverages are always within reach.

In February, I plan to also quit drinking coffee in the morning. I put cream and sugar in my coffee, so I want to eliminate the calorie consumption. I also often avoid breakfast because I go straight for caffeine in order to wake up. I want to be able to wake up on my own, instead of needing caffeine. I think this will help with another February goal of waking up at 6 am every day.

One story about water that I love is The Secret Knowledge of Water by Craig Childs. I find it well-written and fascinating. It changed my perspective on water.

Welcome!

I’m the type of person who is constantly setting goals. The problem is that I also consistently fail at them. I am motivated to set them because I am unhappy with my life. I know I can do more, and I want to. I know I am not following my dreams, and I want to. I feel like I’m always treading water – I can barely stay above the waves of chores, cooking, work, appointments, self-care, and phone calls that are everyday life. Even washing my face and flossing my teeth at night becomes a dreaded task after a day filled with obligatory undertakings. Not to mention when anything extra gets thrown the mix – like an illness, travel, or a plumbing emergency. I get so burnt out that every time I have a spare moment or a day off I want to stay in my pajamas and zone out on cheesy video games while consuming large amounts of junk food.

Hence, the vicious cycle. Trying to keep up with life creates so much weariness that I become overwhelmed and backslide. Any goals I may have set are easily forgotten, but only temporarily. Once I tire of mindless indulgences, the reality of my failures sink in. Yet another part of the cycle occurs at this point – where I have bouts of depression, addiction, and low self-esteem. Further unhappiness with my life ensues, and therefore, I set new goals and start the cycle over again.

How do I break this cycle? How do I keep up with life and pursue happiness? How do I keep myself healthy and work hard at my job? How do I relax and feel accomplished? All of these and more are very tough questions for me. Yet, somehow, as I sit here writing this, the idea of accomplishing those things is exciting. The act of setting the goals and making some kind of plan is motivating – as long as they are always set for the future. It is never right now that I begin. It is tomorrow, or Monday, or the beginning of next month. Because the actual work of breaking habits and getting things done isn’t fun at all. Resisting potato chips, running errands after work instead of going straight home, waking up early, being proactive, burning calories, and avoiding gossip are not fun and exciting. It’s more the idea of being the kind of person who does all of those things that is inspiring.

Another of my major obstacles to success is my perfectionism. I don’t just want to accomplish one little goal. I want to completely overhaul my whole life. I want to transform into a perfect person overnight. I will plan to become a sober vegan who grows and cooks all her own meals, goes to the gym 7 days a week, wakes up at 5am every day, is always positive and grateful and genuine, keeps her house clean, keeps her husband happy, keeps her garden beautiful, excels at her job, makes a point to write daily, and does yoga in her spare time. And that will only be phase 1 of my plan. It’s unachievable and unrealistic but it really is, to some extent, a reflection of the things that I want in my life.

This blog is yet another attempt of mine to create a new plan, a new perfect life. I realize that some of my expectations are going to need lowering along the way. It is quite possible that I will fail at this plan several times, as I have with other plans. However, I believe that being held accountable to someone other than myself (even if it’s just the wide-open-internet at first) will encourage my success. I also think that many others find themselves in a similar position to me and, as I have been inspired through the journeys of others, perhaps I can move some folks to take action in their own lives. If not, maybe my constant stream of failures will at least be entertaining!

With regards to identity, for now I am going to do my best to remain anonymous. I want to be able to be honest about things I don’t like about my boss, recreational drug use, and things that drive me crazy about my family. I may change my mind at some point depending on the direction this blog (and my life) takes. If you know who I am, please respect my wish for privacy.

Something to note: While I do think many people will relate to this blog, there is a special circumstance in my life right now which will definitely play a considerable role in my process. In August 2010, my father was diagnosed with stage IV cancer. He is unmarried, lives with his elderly mother, and I am his only child. As he and I go through this process together, there are times where I have to put my whole life on hold with no notice in order to be there for him. This is something that the average reader may not be able to relate to. On the other hand, I have searched for blogs about coping strategies for family members of cancer patients, and I haven’t found much. So, maybe my words will be helpful to that demographic as well.